A trend I’ve noticed on OkCupid, and in life, is of men who choose to blatantly disregard women’s preferences, whether they be sexual preferences, romantic preferences, dating preferences, and/or other preferences.
Some men online ask for my phone number or ask me out on a date, despite the provision of my profile that clearly states that only I will initiate either of these events if/when I’m ready. When I inquire as to whether offenders read this, they say that they have, but they are the type of men who “go after what they want,” so they try anyway.
Other men see my dominant profile and ask me if I’m interested in submitting to them because they like dominant women.
When I tell some men that I’m only interested in dating folks with pre-existing submissive fantasies and an exclusively submissive role preference, they tell me that it’s okay because they might like being submissive, and that maybe I could teach them. When I explain that I only want to play with men who already know that submitting is what they want, what they need, and what they’ve always needed (that I don’t want to convert switches; I want to train homegrown submissives), they whine that I’m not giving them a fair chance by rejecting them before I really get to know them.
Some men tell me that I can’t possibly know that I’m not into them without meeting them in person because how do I know I’m not attracted to them through just typed conversation?
Other men keep coming back after I’ve rejected them. Spoiler alert: If I rejected you once, I’m still not interested. If I ever change my mind, I know how to contact you. No need to follow-up with me.
These same conversation scripts extend to in-person interactions, as well. How often have we women declined a man’s sexual and/or romantic advances with a, “No, thanks,” only to have him counter with an, “Are you sure?” or a, “Come on… Just give me a chance?”
The pattern here is the same every time. There is an assumption by these men that their preferences overrule ours.
They act like they know better than we do of what is best for us. This is a prime example of the pervasive sociocultural phenomenon of male entitlement to women — our bodies, our time, and our sanity.
These men assume (1) that all women’s bodies work the same way and that they can pleasure us all the same way, and/or (2) that all women think the same way, and they can cajole us into giving them second, third, fourth, or tenth chances, if they just keep asking.
To those men, let me reiterate that no, I’m still not interested. There is no maybe.
If you’ve already ignored the clearly-stated boundaries that I took the time to write and place on my profile, then you’re obviously not of a satisfactory mindset to play any role in my bedroom — or my life. If I can’t trust you to respect my limits online, why would I trust you to respect any of my other boundaries in-person?
Regardless of what I say when I reject a man’s sexual or romantic advances, my end goal is still the same. I’m not into you, and, unless I state otherwise, I’m ready to be done talking to you. My intention is to save us both energy early on so we can each pursue more fruitful conversations with other people, rather than disappearing on you and leaving unanswered questions lingering. (When other women stop answering you, they’re doing the exact same thing; they’re just not being upfront about it like I prefer to do.)
Most of the guys I’ve rejected have thanked me for being direct and moved on. However, a few have accused me of being difficult, grumpy, bigoted, childish, and sociopathic. Some even called me names or accused me of having a false profile.
Let me be clear: I am able to reject you as a suitor at any time, same as you are to me. We don’t owe each other anything, not even a reason for the rejection.
We can reject each other at first glance, or any other time during any of our interactions. We’re not entitled to the chance to prove ourselves to each other, regardless of the medium of our interactions (online, walking down the street, across the bar, or anywhere else in life).
Just like with sex, either of us can end a conversation with each other at any time, for any reason, and it’s okay to just walk away.
I don’t need to meet you and/or have sex with you to confirm my lack of sexual attraction to you. Yes, I can know ahead of time, and no, I’m not interested in “proving” otherwise.
I tell people to trust their guts. Trust those uneasy feelings that spring up; they’re there for a reason. Something in you is uncomfortable, and that’s okay, but it might be time to leave the interaction.
If I’m rejecting you, I’m seeing red flags. I might not be attracted to the personality you’ve shown thus far. I might not be attracted to you physically. I might not be attracted to your writing style, your political views, your sexual preferences, whether or not you want kids, your smoking habits, or something else. Maybe you score above a zero on the scale of how-likely-I-think-you-are-to-turn-my-bones-into-wind-chimes.
Whatever the reason, it’s valid, because I don’t need to have a reason at all.
You need to respect that, and move on, for every person in your life who isn’t into your sexual and/or romantic advances. There will be plenty of others who are.