Dear Men of the Internet: Stop Pretending You Know What’s Best for My Love Life

A trend I’ve noticed on OkCupid, and in life, is of men who choose to blatantly disregard women’s preferences, whether they be sexual preferences, romantic preferences, dating preferences, and/or other preferences. 

Some men online ask for my phone number or ask me out on a date, despite the provision of my profile that clearly states that only I will initiate either of these events if/when I’m ready. When I inquire as to whether offenders read this, they say that they have, but they are the type of men who “go after what they want,” so they try anyway.

Other men see my dominant profile and ask me if I’m interested in submitting to them because they like dominant women.

When I tell some men that I’m only interested in dating folks with pre-existing submissive fantasies and an exclusively submissive role preference, they tell me that it’s okay because they might like being submissive, and that maybe I could teach them. When I explain that I only want to play with men who already know that submitting is what they want, what they need, and what they’ve always needed (that I don’t want to convert switches; I want to train homegrown submissives), they whine that I’m not giving them a fair chance by rejecting them before I really get to know them.

Some men tell me that I can’t possibly know that I’m not into them without meeting them in person because how do I know I’m not attracted to them through just typed conversation?

Other men keep coming back after I’ve rejected them. Spoiler alert: If I rejected you once, I’m still not interested. If I ever change my mind, I know how to contact you. No need to follow-up with me.

These same conversation scripts extend to in-person interactions, as well. How often have we women declined a man’s sexual and/or romantic advances with a, “No, thanks,” only to have him counter with an, “Are you sure?” or a, “Come on… Just give me a chance?”

The pattern here is the same every time. There is an assumption by these men that their preferences overrule ours.

They act like they know better than we do of what is best for us. This is a prime example of the pervasive sociocultural phenomenon of male entitlement to women — our bodies, our time, and our sanity.

These men assume (1) that all women’s bodies work the same way and that they can pleasure us all the same way, and/or (2) that all women think the same way, and they can cajole us into giving them second, third, fourth, or tenth chances, if they just keep asking.

To those men, let me reiterate that no, I’m still not interested. There is no maybe.

If you’ve already ignored the clearly-stated boundaries that I took the time to write and place on my profile, then you’re obviously not of a satisfactory mindset to play any role in my bedroom — or my life. If I can’t trust you to respect my limits online, why would I trust you to respect any of my other boundaries in-person?

Regardless of what I say when I reject a man’s sexual or romantic advances, my end goal is still the same. I’m not into you, and, unless I state otherwise, I’m ready to be done talking to you. My intention is to save us both energy early on so we can each pursue more fruitful conversations with other people, rather than disappearing on you and leaving unanswered questions lingering. (When other women stop answering you, they’re doing the exact same thing; they’re just not being upfront about it like I prefer to do.)

Most of the guys I’ve rejected have thanked me for being direct and moved on. However, a few have accused me of being difficult, grumpy, bigoted, childish, and sociopathic. Some even called me names or accused me of having a false profile.

Let me be clear: I am able to reject you as a suitor at any time, same as you are to me. We don’t owe each other anything, not even a reason for the rejection.

We can reject each other at first glance, or any other time during any of our interactions. We’re not entitled to the chance to prove ourselves to each other, regardless of the medium of our interactions (online, walking down the street, across the bar, or anywhere else in life).

Just like with sex, either of us can end a conversation with each other at any time, for any reason, and it’s okay to just walk away.

I don’t need to meet you and/or have sex with you to confirm my lack of sexual attraction to you. Yes, I can know ahead of time, and no, I’m not interested in “proving” otherwise.

I tell people to trust their guts. Trust those uneasy feelings that spring up; they’re there for a reason. Something in you is uncomfortable, and that’s okay, but it might be time to leave the interaction.

If I’m rejecting you, I’m seeing red flags. I might not be attracted to the personality you’ve shown thus far. I might not be attracted to you physically. I might not be attracted to your writing style, your political views, your sexual preferences, whether or not you want kids, your smoking habits, or something else. Maybe you score above a zero on the scale of how-likely-I-think-you-are-to-turn-my-bones-into-wind-chimes.

Whatever the reason, it’s valid, because I don’t need to have a reason at all.

You need to respect that, and move on, for every person in your life who isn’t into your sexual and/or romantic advances. There will be plenty of others who are.

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9 comments

  1. I enjoyed reading your artical as always (being a person of the opposite sex) I have to agree with all you’ve said. I have been around friends (buddy’s) while in a club and watch these fellows make fools out of themselves (thinking they are all that and a bag of chips) and totally embarress the hell out of me by the way they approach an/or talk to the female patrons of these establishments and using the most stupidest, ignorant pick up lines ( IF that’s what they are suppose to be) on the planet! There has been many times where I have had to excuse myself and go home, I’ve found myself when looked at by one of these women and they figure I’m not only with them but think like them but haven’t said anything ask me “Ok, what’s your story, what do you have to say?” and at this point I’m feeling like one of those 1960’s slinky toys and feel myself sliding under the table in total embaresment. I guess I’m either stupid or old fashioned or both but I’ve never have enforced my way of thinking on anyone including the opposite sex, I don’t consider myself a smart man (far from it) I suppose I just feel that if the connection is there wheather for a relationship or a date or what ever each person will feel it in their gut and if it is to happen it will. I’ve never, never, never walked up to a woman (thinking I’m the best thing god has created) and say “hay baby, sugar pie, you hot thang you ya wanna dance?….can I buy you a drink? or anything else. But for most men (not all) they have this belief that their it, you need them, they can fuck ya like no other or you’ll throw rocks at the ones you have slept with when you lay down for them……that’s outrageous, and the most dumbass thing I have ever heard of. Like you say, if your not into that person it wouldn’t make ANY difference how their hung or anything else ….IT AIN’T GOING TO HAPPEN!!! Ok guess I’ve rambled enough. Have a great day.

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      1. Thanks for your response. It was uncomfortable but I lived through it. But you wanna know the sad part? After 40 years younger men haven’t changed one damned bit, they still think they are the best thing since sliced bread, that women REALLY want to hear their crap and get pissed off when a girl/woman tells em to fuck off!!! Sure would like to be a fly on a wall to hear how you would hand one of these clowns lmao.

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        1. Greetings, and thank you for reaching out! I’m glad we have such similar interests (just checked out your website!), and I look forward to speaking with you further. I’ll be following up on your e-mail shortly. 🙂

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  2. You go girl! Always love your posts because you never disappoint. Love how you think and that you know what you want. Put those idiots in there place. Be well.

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