I Added A Kinky Dating Application to My OkCupid Profile. Here’s What Happened.

In late July, a friend sent me a screenshot of a woman’s Tinder profile where she included a link to a survey and directed men interested in dating her to fill it out. Although the questions she asked struck me as more superficial and entertaining than for compatibility assessment, I thought her idea was brilliant and decided to do the same for my OkCupid profile. Heck yes for efficiency, especially for someone like me who is seeking a partner with highly specific, somewhat less common preferences.

About two weeks later, I created a Google Form, added its link to my OkCupid profile, and sat back to see what would happen. I’ve been getting about one or two survey responses per day since then.

In the survey directions, respondents were asked to fill out each question honestly and to the best of their abilities. I also advised that, upon review of the survey responses, all viable contenders would be contacted via e-mail for follow-up interviews. (I’m still working on that, but I promise to get to back to each of you.)

After each respondent submitted a survey response, he was then given my e-mail address to be used for any questions, comments, concerns, and/or resume submissions. I intended the resume submission suggestion facetiously, but one applicant actually did follow-up on the same (…and for the record, I would have gladly read any resumes).

From what I’ve seen by the people who submitted a survey response and subsequently contacted me on OkCupid with a follow-up message, my respondents tended to be caucasian (runner-up would be Asian), cis-male, and between the ages of 18 and 45 (most were in their 20s).

My survey pool was self-selected, not randomized, and is not generalizable to the population. Although I did not require submission of any gender/sex information on surveys, the link to access the survey is only available through my OkCupid profile, a profile which, to my knowledge, is only available to people who self-identify as both “male” and “seeking females” on their own OkCupid profiles. Further, the survey was completed only by OkCupid users who found me attractive and were interested in potentially dating me.

Having recently received my first hundred responses, several salient — and fascinating! — patterns emerged. Welcome, voyeurs.

Question: Kink orientation.

img_1654

Respondents overwhelmingly identified as submissive. Considering the instructions explicitly disclosed that I am seeking a submissive partner, I’m surprised that more respondents didn’t identify as submissive. Similarly, I’m surprised that any dominant-identifying respondents bothered to apply at all.

Question Topic: Sexual interests.

img_1655

Answer choices included: humiliation (in general); small penis humiliation; physical domination; emotional domination; financial domination**; foot fetishism; crossdressing; sissification; bondage; chastity; orgasm denial; trampling; pegging; servitude, control, etc.; erotic hypnosis; collaring; being led around on a leash; cuckolding; swinging; threesomes, group sex, etc.; female-led relationships; and other.

Overwhelmingly, female-led relationships was the most popular selection, followed closely by physical domination, bondage, and general humiliation. Close behind were orgasm denial, emotional domination, pegging, and servitude/control.

I’m not surprised by these results, as there is often a lot of overlap between sexual interests, particularly those of submissive-leaning men who I tried to target with my survey.

**Note: Financial domination as an answer choice was added very recently, so please disregard the percentage here, because most respondents didn’t have that option.

Question: “What makes you cry? How often?”

The most prevalent sources identified were:

– Illness or death of family members
– Illness or death of pets (particularly dogs)
– Depression and loneliness
– Extreme emotional distress (anxiety, stress, frustration, confusion, being overwhelmed, being unable to do something, rejection)
– Disappointing someone with whom one is emotionally bonded
– Personally meaningful movies, TV shows, music, and books
– Relationships ending, and other major life changes
– Criticism at one’s character or performance

Also mentioned were:

– Nostalgia
– The sadness of loved ones
– Thinking about all the pain in the world, and being unable to fix it
– Hatred and closed-mindedness of others
– Cruelty to animals
– Children losing toys in movies
– Missed opportunities in life
– Physical pain
– Being confronted or reminded of one’s perceived shortcomings
– Happier things, like acts of kindness, overcoming adversity or illness, teamwork, and compassion for the less fortunate
– Receiving a compliment from someone with whom one is emotionally bonded

Overall, answer themes revolved around the value of (and possible threat to or loss of) social relationships, as well as emotional overstimulation. The few folks who made political and football references made me chuckle.

What surprised me was frequency. Most respondents who disclosed their crying frequency stated that it was “not often”, “almost never” or “rarely”. Others ranged from every other day, to every other week, to every other month, to every other year.

My guess is that crying has most often been inspired by specific events and occurrences, and because respondents didn’t keep track of the frequency of those events occurring in their past, it was difficult for them to estimate their own frequency of crying upon my prompt.

Question: “Would you enjoy being called a ‘good boy’ in bed?”

img_1657

One of my more vanilla (non-kinky) friends was shocked by the responses to this question. As you can see, not a single respondent selected an outright “no”.

I was more surprised that I didn’t receive more “all the time” answers, considering just how many respondents identified as submissive, and also that I received such a high number of “no difference” and “not sure” answers.

Question Topic: Sexual fantasies.

The responses to this question were my favorite to read on each survey. Popular topics included:

– Pegging
– Being humiliated, either publicly or privately
– Being owned, collared, under someone else’s complete control
– Being objectified
– Being naked while one’s partner is fully or partially-clothed
– Being fully restrained or bound to a large object
– Dominant partner archetypes – caring and compassionate, elegant and romantic, or wicked and evil
– Being relentlessly teased, toyed with, and edged
– Having one’s own pleasure withheld, wearing a chastity device, etc.
– Being on one’s knees or all-fours
– Licking, sucking, worshipping, and being smothered by feet
– Being “forced” to suck on a dildo or penis
– Being “forced” to remove one’s clothing
– Being exploited, kidnapped, or used as a partner’s plaything
– Being “forced” to sexually service a female partner’s female friends
– Being cuckolded by a female partner with a stereotypically-masculine male partner (well hung, big muscles, “macho” demeanor, etc.)
– Cleaning up, providing aftercare and support after a female partner has just had sexual relations with another man
– Facesitting and being “forced” to perform oral sex on a female partner for prolonged periods of time
– Being a domestic slave or houseboy (preparing meals, cleaning, household chores) and serving his partner’s every need however would best please her
– Spanking and corporal punishment
– Being “forced” to crossdress, sissification, and being dressed as a “slut” or “bad girl”
– Having a full-time, 24/7 Dominant/submissive relationship
– Threesomes where he is dominated and/or humiliated by two or more women

Additional fantasies also mentioned:

– Being spit on, squirted on, etc.
– Being gagged
– Cock-and-ball torture
– Being guided on how to properly explore a female partner’s body
– Having his body inspected, judged, and critiqued
– Falling asleep in his lover’s arms, feeling loved and appreciated despite inadequacies, etc.
– Female-led relationships
– Being completely ignored
– Being purchased at a slave auction
– Having his hands bound
– Leather, latex, etc.
– Having sex with a woman much older than himself
– Drinking his own semen
– Incest

A common theme I noted is the appeal of a relationship where a man knows exactly whether or not he’s satisfying his female partner because he’s either doing exactly as she instructs, or being (consensually) punished by her for his transgression from the same. She’s essentially handing him a playbook for how to please her, and (consensually) “taking charge” of him, which removes any guesswork on his part. She’s direct about her feelings and feedback, but he still craves the thrill of not knowing exactly what she will have him do (or do to him).

One of the primary benefits he’s seeking is to feel wanted, accepted, and loved by her, despite a mutual acknowledgement of his inadequacies as a sexual partner. Even if she’s receiving sexual satisfaction from other partners, sexual satisfaction that he feels incapable of providing, she’s fully committed to him long-term, and he knows it. So, he wants to give himself to her to be used for her pleasure, either passively or actively (or both), depending on his skills and qualities she finds desirable.

From subsequent OkCupid conversations, I’ve also noticed a pattern of men not sharing their submissive and/or gender-bending kinks with their sexual partners, out of fear that they will be rejected for not fulfilling their masculine gender role. Ladies, guys have these fantasies far more often that you might think. Even dominant-leaning guys have confessed to me that they like (or would like) being dominated in bed, at least every now and again, but don’t know how to ask their partners for it.

Question: “How do you typically relieve stress?”

img_1658

Answer choices included: Exercise; punching/hitting things; talking about it with trusted companions; thinking really hard about it; distracting yourself in other ways (video games, TV, working, etc.); smoking, drinking, and/or using recreational drugs; sexual activity; hugging and/or cuddling; sleeping; eating; “I kind of don’t. I bottle up my stress.”; and other.

This one surprised me, to an extent, by how few of the respondents dealt with stress by being physically aggressive with inanimate objects. Though, considering that answer choice was inspired by the number of my male high school friends who used to punch trees and walls during times of distress, perhaps it’s indicative of a shift in preferred aggression outlets with age.

Bonus points to the respondent who stated woodcarving as an alternate stress diffusion method. I imagine that’s great flow.

Question: “What embarrasses you?”

This question and the one which followed it were my second-favorites, as you might imagine. The most popular sources of embarrassment included:

– Appearing socially awkward, inadequate, and/or clumsy in public (particularly in front of female strangers and when speaking publicly)
– Showing a desire to be sexually submissive
– Inadequate preparation for something, careless mistakes
– Insecurities being pointed out, and public humiliation and/or judgment
– Being publicly confronted by superior reasoning/logic
– Unworthiness, feeling like a failure, underachieving, not living up to real or assumed expectations (sexual or otherwise)
– Emasculation (sexual or otherwise)
– Bodily insecurities, nudity in front of others
– Sexual inexperience (including virginity), sexual vulnerability, lack of sexual prowess
– His sexual preferences/fetishes (including wanting/needing to be humiliated)
– Talking about romantic and sexual experiences

Other sources mentioned:

– Not being as well-read or well-informed as he would like
– Timidity, shyness
– “Extreme” public displays of affection
– Catching oneself being judgmental
– Loss of control of bodily functions
– Self-identity
– Being complimented
– Past choices he regrets now
– Career failure
– Living at home with his parents
– Voice
– Wardrobe
– Being unathletic
– Being “forced” to do something he normally wouldn’t do (in public or private)
– Not being where he wants in life, and fearing that he may never be content
– Singing in public
– By proxy, when other people are embarrassed on TV or in movies
– Emotionally bonding with someone
– Intimate secrets being revealed to loved ones
– Mispronouncing words
– “Pretty much everything”

The most popular responses here tended to mirror a sense of a failed performance of heteronormative masculinity, which doesn’t surprise me. Our culture is harsh about transgressions from strict gender role enforcement.

Question: “What are your insecurities?”

img_1660

Answer choices included: Too fat; too skinny; not muscular enough; not masculine enough; height; acne; face; skin; body hair; penis size or appearance; erectile dysfunction; sexual inexperience/being bad in bed; too shy; not dominant/aggressive enough; my job and/or income; too emotional; feeling inadequate, in general; and other.

As you can see, respondents tended to be most concerned with not being sufficiently muscular, sexually experienced, outgoing, dominant, aggressive, or genitally-endowed — all of which are considered “alpha male” traits in our Westernized society. I’m surprised that masculinity didn’t rank as a higher concern, for that exact reason.

Question: “If you selected “Penis size or appearance” to the previous question…”

img_1661

Answer choices included: Too thick; too thin; too short; too long; too veiny; weird birthmark and/or odd scarring; weird color; weird curvature; think it’s ugly, in general; and other.

This one amused me as well because the majority of respondents who answered his question reported that their penises were too short. However, vaginas tend to respond more favorably to girth rather than length, so I am surprised (1) that so many men thought their length didn’t “measure up”, and (2) that so many fewer men took into account a potentially less-than-ideal girth.

I would love to follow-up with respondents on why they thought their penises were not long enough, and tally how many of them link their inadequacies to what they have seen in porn, rather than feedback provided by sexual partners.

Question: “Describe your ideal female partner.”

For this question, I started summarizing the responses I received but quickly realized that to doing would be an injustice to so many of the creative, heartfelt, and/or unique answers. So, here they all are in their raw form:

img_1684img_1685img_1686img_1687img_1688img_1689img_1690img_1691img_1692img_1693

I’m intrigued by how many men described, in detail, exactly the physical attributes they would like for their ideal partner to have, while the vast majority described personality traits they find most desirable.

For those of you who scrolled right past the responses, the most common themes included dominant/strong leader, open-minded, loving/accepting of him, ambitious, assertive, and smart.

So, what did I learn from all this?

I’m delighted to see that so many men on OkCupid have among the most prized (and specific) qualities I’m seeking in a romantic partner. The fact that I now have the luxury of being able to rapidly narrow down my list of viable contenders is marvelous.

Also marvelous is how many respondents thanked me not just for the opportunity to potentially date me, but for requiring them to fill out the survey, itself. Those individuals tended to report having experienced positive sexual stimulation from the process and enjoyed it, overall. For example:

img_1607

Many respondents confessed to never having shared what they disclosed on their application to anyone in their real lives, including sexual partners. Some expressed relief and gratitude at finally being able to admit these secrets and talk to someone about them without fear of judgment. Clearly, we have a long way to go if this many people are terrified to share their sexual fantasies, an integral component of sexuality and sexual exploration, with their most intimate companions.

If I could redo this experience, I’d have had respondents either message me on OkCupid with the email address they provided on the form, or email me a headshot directly. That way, I could more quickly eliminate contenders to whom I felt no physical attraction. Past that, I’m content with how the process has gone thus far.

To my respondents: THANK YOU!

Thank you for your time and for allowing me to remotely pick your brains. I appreciate your heartfelt, deeply personal disclosures. Although it will certainly take me some time to complete my follow-up correspondence, I wish you each the best of luck, in general, as we mutually seek meaningful companionship. Cheers to you!

And to anyone who has not yet applied but would like to do so – my survey is still open! For OkCupid users, it is available on my site profile. For anyone else, just shoot me a message, and I’ll e-mail you the link.

Unfortunately, I have not heard back from the woman who inspired my survey, whom I emailed the day after discovering hers. Should you ever stumble upon this page, brilliant Tinderatrix, I would love to hear what you’ve learned from your survey’s respondents.

———————–

11 comments

  1. Hello Miss Cervix
    Your blog is fantastic.
    I am from India and wanted to fill up your application, but realised I was too far.
    I am going to make this a regular read.
    Very insightful and it will help me in my journey.
    Thank you so much.

    Like

  2. Good read. My favorite was the guy who likes long necks because of lions.

    Best wishes in your search. Honestly I think regarding the whole “good boy” thing that some guys didn’t read all of the choices. If they had then you would have gotten more “all the time”.

    Thanks for posting πŸ™‚

    Like

  3. Wow, this was really cool, pretty interesting. Gonna show my partner, I love how you write about sex and the options that you presented in your questionnaire seem really natural and good options to me, well done and good luck!

    Like

  4. Outstanding work of the first order! You have created a mini-Hire Report. I was one of the original respondents of Shere Hite’s Report On Male Sexuality in 1976. Your work here reminds me so much of what I responded in my age group then 35-40. Kudos to you. And, I did enjoy reading what my fellow Caucasian men thought was the Perfect Barbie. She’s out there somewhere, right? But not in my bed. That’s fantasy for ya’. Thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your praise, and for sharing of your experience! What an honor for my writing to be compared to Ms. Hite’s work, and that’s incredible that you were one of her participants. Did you enjoy your experience?

      Like

      1. As I recall, it was extensive, probing, and inclusive. For me, it was time consuming, erotic, and shamefully honest–from pre-puberty to 1976… The payoff, the “money-shot,” as it were, is that I had my name printed in the list of contributors. There I am: famous. In Print…. (No free copy of the book.)

        Like

What's on your mind?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s