Big Fucking Deal

To my dear boyfriend, please read with caution, though none of this will come as a surprise.

In follow up to this article I recently shared on here as well as on my personal Facebook page about vagina-bearers having unintentionally painful sex, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I know the pain the author talks about all too personally. Although my boyfriend and I have attempted intercourse several times in the past few months, it has never been pleasurable because I’m in too much pain for us to actually do anything. At best, we try to insert him into me, then lay motionless until I’m sufficiently numb from the stinging to naively think I can tolerate more. Thrusting hasn’t even been a possibility yet, just (barely) insertion and the occasional wriggle forward and back a couple of times. Who’d have thought that something with such a soft, pliable tip could feel so sharp, like a dagger piercing through my flesh?

As hypocritical as it makes me, I am terrified that seeking professional help will lead to the recommendation of surgery. Horrifyingly enough, my late grandmother apparently had an operation in her early twenties to allow her to have intercourse that was less painful. The particulars of this surgery I don’t know, but that’s probably for the best. I shudder at the thought of anything sharp near my nethers.

I suspect that I have a tight hymen, in combination with muscles that haven’t learned how to effectively relax, but I’m honestly not sure. I also have an additional portion of hymen that sticks slightly out of my vagina like a miniature tongue. Neither my boyfriend nor I have been able to find anything identical on Google to figure out what on earth that skin is, despite our hours of playing “doctor” with a hand mirror perched perpendicular to my taint, but I take mild comfort in knowing that my soon-to-be-ex-gynecologist didn’t draw attention to this odd skin during my last (and first) pelvic exam. However, the few times that I’ve ventured back to spelunking Google for pictures, I find myself nauseating rapidly.

It’s an uncomfortable reality to realize that your body has betrayed you. Mine keeps me from peeing in most restrooms and, as I’ve recently learned, from being capable of having — much less enjoying — vaginal intercourse.

This recent soul searching has also led me to wonder… why do we make such a big deal out of vaginal intercourse? I mean, really. People make it into a BIG FUCKING DEAL.

To value intercourse so highly above all other forms of sexual expression is such a heteronormative, phallocentric, arbitrary way of limiting yourself and your sexuality.

My whole life — or at least since puberty — I knew that people made a big deal out of sex. If you ask my mother, vaginal intercourse is the be-all-end-all paramount way of cementing any intimate relationship. Partners owe each other that bond.

Again I ask, why? What if my body just isn’t made to withstand a large dose of dick? I’m a small person with small parts. Many of my orifices will never be the size on an erect penis on their own, and I’m fine with that.

Tampons were never comfortable for me. Given, they are a fraction is the size of an erect penis, but removing them always hurt more than I thought was healthy. The deeper part of my vagina doesn’t feel specifics, only pressure, but the two inches closest to outside are hella sensitive and always hated those damn tampons, particularly because of the painful pinch they cause in the last few seconds of their removal. I think my hymen may have always been to blame for that one. She’s a feisty gal.

But back to vagfucking — I’ve been looking forward to finally getting to try “it” for about as long as I’ve been fearing that “it” would be painful or disappointing, and low and behold, that’s exactly the boat I’m in these days. Why the fuss? There are so many other ways of expressing physical intimacy with lovers.

I love foreplay, like love love LOVE it. When I’m turned on, a light tickle between my legs drives me wild. I don’t like rough sensations, and the idea of vaginal intercourse to me seems just that. Rough. I want gentle and teasing, which penises hardly are. I want a hint of sensation, not to be overwhelmed by it. I’m an introvert; heavy sensations short circuit my senses.

Besides, vaginas aren’t all that sensitive by nature… at least not in the sex-pleasure-sensitive sort of way. I have never been aroused by anything rubbing large patches of the inside of my vagina. Rather, I respond well to small, circular tickling and teasing of whichever areas are most swollen and slippery.

If there’s going to be anything larger than a finger in my vagina, it need not move around at all. Its job is best served staying still and staying put so that when I orgasm, my vaginal muscles have something to squeeze onto. That feels FAN-FRICKIN’-TASTIC. But, it’s never my vagina making these orgasms happen; it’s my clitoris. As long as my clit’s happy, everything else is secondary. Vagina schmagina. Work my clit, and we’re good. Anything else is a bonus.

We all have different sexual preferences, and I’m steadily coming to terms with the idea that vaginal intercourse just may not be a tool I have in my toolbox. The more I tell people about my sexual difficulties and receive concerned expressions in return, the more it angers me that vaginal intercourse is so normative. Why am I expected to be having this kind of sex to be enjoying my sex life? That’s not a fair burden to impose on anyone.

If I never attempted vaginal intercourse again, I would not feel the least bit cheated in life or in bed. Watching other people do it? Awesome. For me? Ehh, not so much, and I’m fine with that.

4 comments

  1. cervixsays,

    I’m a 70 year old guy, who was (I’m retired) a psychotherapist and I received accreditation in sex therapy, if you think that means anything, even if I don’t. More importantly, prior to my marriage I lived a rather hedonistic lifestyle and so one might say I’m experienced. Never having had a vagina, I can’t advise you what to do with it, but I can add to your insights about sexuality in general, because I think you are on the right track. For many reasons having to do with culture, religion and the needs of reproduction, many people have the belief that the be-all and end-all of sexuality is intercourse.

    When I was young in the 50’s, sex was a taboo topic and some of the greatest books of the 20th Century had been banned because they discussed sex openly. Luckily for me, I had parents who were honest and open about sexuality, allowing me at a young age to have all of my questions answered. When I actually started having sex, I was prepared for it and also knew that it was all about giving and having pleasure, not performing against someone else’s standard.

    Intercourse is merely one of the ways people can express themselves sexually and unfortunately many people don’t understand that truth. Instead, since we became “sexually liberated” in the 60’s and 70’s, we are now able to see “sex” portrayed in film and on TV. That openness about sexuality is good, but unfortunately most of what we see is produced by males and is “male centric” sexuality, created by males who are themselves bound by the past mythology regarding intercourse. Typically you see portrayals of a couple who are “hot to trot”, ripping off each-others clothes clothes and having intercourse up against a wall, that lasts for maybe a minute or so. While I can remember having sex like that on occasion, I mark those memories as the least satisfying of my lifetime of sexual encounters. Most women don’t have orgasms from that type of sex and in fact studies have shown that most women don’t regularly have orgasms from intercourse.

    To my mind the beauty of sexuality is when the experience is a pleasurable time for the participants and when both participants achieve satisfaction. You and you boyfriend appear to be onto that. Whether you have intercourse or not is really a mutual decision and it is easily possible for you two to have a mutually satisfying relationship without intercourse. People in general need to understand that their sexuality is a matter of what makes them feel good and not what some generally incorrect idea of sexual mythology dictates.

    I’ve been happily married to a very independent woman for 34 years. We have two grown daughters who are independent women. I was never interested in their sex lives, as fathers in current mythology are supposed to be, but only in their having the right information to make their own decisions. I enjoy reading your stuff because you too are an independent thinking person and seem on the right path of life. While the “sexual revolution” of the 60’s and 70’s has changed things considerably, our culture still clings to mythology about who women are and how they should lead their sexual lives. Unfortunately, there are forces within our society who hate that women can be sexually independent, or that people can lead sexual lives based on their true feelings, rather than some prescribed manner taught by those whose understanding is limited. Keep up the good work.

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