Recently, I had a conversation with a friend who said that she is upset with her boyfriend for expecting her to “just know” how to please him sexually. I asked about feedback between the two of them, of which there is little. Apparently, they both are under the impression that the other should “just know” how to conjure up an orgasm for each other. That’s bad. What’s worse is that my friend not only routinely fakes orgasms, but she also does not tell her boyfriend when she’s in pain. Yikes!
Relationships are hard. Sexual relationships can be even harder. You’re balancing your needs with the needs of your partner(s), and that can make the conversation a little awkward when it’s time to ask for what you need and want to feel, and where. Sometimes there’s concern about speaking up for fear that it may hurt a partner’s ego, but as far as I’m concerned, any partner who actually cares about your pleasure will be willing to cooperate so that everyone has fun. I understand not wanting to make a partner feel bad, but we all need more help than that. I mean, hey, it’s impossible to know how the sensation feels to someone else’s body until they tell you how it feels. (Especially in my friend’s case, a bent ego beats a broken baby cannon every time.) And that goes for all parties involved. My friend can’t lay there silently and expect her boy to know what makes her body feel good, the same way he can’t expect her to “just know” what will work for him. There’s so much more trial and error than that to find what works well for every person because it will always be a little different for every person, regardless of what was a sure-fire bet with previous partners.
My advice to people in my friend’s boat — and those who just want to have even greater sex — is to work on improving your intimate feedback system.
Words, nicknames for body parts and moves, gestures, affirmative grunts, whatever… just so long as everyone involved understands without a doubt what’s being communicated. Also, get to know your body (and mind) well, and practice alternate ways to achieve physical pleasure for when your go-to moves aren’t doing their thang. These conversations might be kind of uncomfortable to have with partners, but trust me, it’ll make your relationship stronger and your tingles and jingles better. After all, proactive consent and open communication are vital to any strong, fulfilling sex life.