Don’t Push the Big Pink Button

Need a good laugh? My New Pink Button is one of the newest personal care products to turn a non-issue into an issue, and the reviews are even better than I imagined.

Makeup for your vulva, seriously?

Fortunately, there have been a number of witty retorts — like this review from iAsshole.org, which introduced me to my new favorite vagina euphemism, “baby cannon” — to the absurdity of this product. Here are a few of my favorite excerpts from the product’s own website reviews, in flavors named Bettie, Marilyn, Audry, and Ginger

“For a long time I have felt my sex lust decreasing, much due to the fact that my wife is getting older and lesser attractive for each year. One of my biggest concerns has been the unattractive gray colour which her labia has attained during recent years. It simply isn’t pleasing to the eye anymore. We’ve tried all sorts of things to spice it up, from car batteries and buttplugs, to whips and strap-ons, all to no avail. In hindsight most of these things were just silly, since they didn’t get to the root of the problem, which of course was her labia. And getting to the root of the problem is exactly what this product does! It has revitalized our sex life completely. Now having intercourse doesn’t feel as much like necrophilia anymore, but rather brings back sweet memories of having sex with 16 year old Croatian prostitutes, much like I used to do during the war!” – Albert S

“I purchased this to use on my TV remote control because the primary shades of the buttons on it no longer coordinate with my newly decorated sitting room. However the substance not only failed to turn my buttons pink, they also caused severe melting and distortion. My buttons now resemble the crater of a recently exploded volcano.” – nic miller

I've been douching with Kool-Aid all week, and just look at my ladybutton now!

I’ve been douching with Kool-Aid all week, and just look at my ladybutton now!

“Ladies, we all know that we are nothing unless we can catch a man and keep him. We also know that the fat, balding, underachieving, middle-aged shlub we married will ditch us in a moment for that man-stealing ho Miss Universe if we aren’t superficially perfect at all times. But what to do when we start to look like one of those ‘normal’ women instead of an always-perfect supermodel? My New Pink Button is the answer! Formulated by a quack manicurist – sorry, I mean a ‘paramedical esthetician’ – My New Pink Button will take off the years, take off the children, and take off the reality! Its patented ‘natural’ ‘formula’ (wink wink) is guaranteed to remove what other, lesser women call ‘normal vaginal coloration’ and replace it with pink perfection! And all this with a minimum of permanent scarring and complete loss of sexual response – but who needs that anyway, sex is for men! My New Pink Button has never been tested on animals (so if it burns your skin off or causes cancer that’s your problem) and contains twenty disposable applicators (so you’ll be able to fool him twenty times!).” – Charlene Vickers

“My boyfriend has often expressed a wish that I had iridescent rainbow labia like a pixie or resembling David Bowie in Labrynth. Please, please, MNPB, produce a dye to make this possible! My sex life is wilting while my genitals remain human-colour.” – Rachel Parris

“I would never buy this product. Instead I like to get a sick thrill from skulking around in the shadows, tricking men into my beige vagina.” – jemimatrue

“First, does it work on other areas downtown, or is this really a ladies-only product? I’m not saying I need it repackaged in a ‘My New Balloon Knot’ tin, I’m just curious if it works, chemically. Second, what is the brightest color they make? Somehow, I suspect ‘Audry’ is pretty refined. Classy. I’m looking more for something more along the lines of ‘Enraged Baboon’ or ‘Fleet Week.'” – Harris Elleberg

“I wasn’t even aware of my embarrassing genital discoloration before I stumbled across this product. I haven’t been this ‘fresh’ and (temporarily) pink for 25 years! (I’m 32, you do the math …). My boyfriend hasn’t noticed the difference yet (he prefers to do it with the lights off, eyes closed), but one of these days I’m going to “accidentally” show him my sexy new vagina and prepare to get skewered!” – Tina Tuna

“I am eternally in debt to the genius who invented this stuff. WITHOUT YOU, I WOULD NEVER HAVE KNOWN THERE WAS ANYTHING WRONG WITH ME. IMAGINE THAT.” – LoisMM

5 comments

    1. One of the bedicked “reviewers” facetiously remarked that he had a neon-pink hand for an entire day. I think it’d be more fun to dip-dye schlongage for an ombre fade. I’ll call it “schlombre”.

      Like

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